Managing our expectations around sex, particularly wild sex, is super important to marital satisfaction and joy. When expectations are not communicated clearly, it is easy for one or both people to experience frustration and unhappiness. In the realm of expectations there is frequency, and quality as well. Creating a dialogue around one another’s expectations around the quality of sex and quantity will help create a happy and fulfilling experience for both partners.
Managing Expectations around Wild Sex
I have never met a couple that had the same level of sexual desire much less wild sex. There’s always been one partner who wants it more than another. Sometimes that may change, the one who wanted it less might want it more and vice versa, but it is rare that couples have sexual equanimity when it comes to desire. The first part of managing expectations has to do with understanding the conditions that are needed for each individual to be comfortable performing sex.
The next part of the recipe is understanding how each individual conceives of sex. What does it mean to them? Is it simply physical release? How much is it a way to procreate? Is it a way to exchange deep and intimate feelings? What does each person think about sex? How do they view it? What are the conditions that their views are fulfilled?
The last part of the recipe is what does each individual needs in order to be comfortable having sex, or even wild sex. Some people are ready to have sex at the drop of a dime. Others need to have very specific conditions fulfilled. They need to be relaxed, to feel good physically, and feel safe. Which of these are you? Which of these is your partner?
Putting Wild Sex on a Scale
Let’s talk about different kinds of sex, putting them on a scale of one to ten. A 10 as being extremely intimate, caring, sensitive, and empathic sex. Let’s make one “quick and easy”. We’re using a scale here. Sometimes the act of sex is engaged in to relieve physical stress. Sometimes, we choose to make it a true sharing of deep emotion. One is not necessarily better than the other, and there may be appropriate times for each.
Sprinting
Let’s think of sprinting as being fast sex. This could be wild sex. These are sexual encounters that happen because you’re both running hot, you haven’t had an opportunity in a while, you see an opening and you take it. It’s driven by pure sexual desire. A need to fulfill our bodies’ desires. Nothing wrong with this, but it’s important that both people be willing to do this. If one person is hot and the other one is not, this is a recipe for future frustration. Super important that both people be invested and engaged for this to work.
If we’re honest here, This kind of sex probably lessons as you age up. Sexual drive tends to diminish with age and this will reduce “Sprint” Sex. If we’re going to talk stereotypically, it’s probably true that guys want this more than gals though their exceptions to every rule of course.
The Marathon
Let’s think of the marathon as being emotionally invested sex. In this kind of sex, you want the settings to be just right. You both want to be feeling it. There’s going to be a deep expression of emotion. You want it to be uninterrupted, as romantic as possible. This has the potential of being wild sex in the sense that you may enter uncharted territory in terms of intimacy here.
This might be a super planned event. You’re going to have a date night, you’re going to go someplace special. Maybe it’s a special weekend. You’re creating an ambiance, a vehicle in which you can both express your love and feel safe in the act.
The Reality
The reality is sex tends to fall somewhere in the middle on this spectrum- less than wild sex, but better than no sex. By creating this spectrum we’re encouraging you to think about what kind of sex you are having. What kind of sex would you like to have?
It is totally worth it to plan some marathon sessions, sessions where you set the tone and the atmosphere. Sessions where you’re both fully present, relaxed, and in the mood. In fact, investing in these kinds of events at least once a season will bolster your marriage and your sex life. It will also help the partner who wants sex more to have something to look forward to and reduce pressure for sprint sex.
Practices for Managing Expectations
The first step is talking about it. What is Sprint sex to you both? What does Marathon sex look like? Which one of you wants to have sex more often? Which one of you wants to have it less often? How often could you have it so that you both feel satisfied and fulfilled?
How often would you like to get away and really enjoy one another without distraction? What are you willing to do to have a little wild sex? What are you willing to set aside in order to do that? Who’s going to manage the kids? Remember you only need 24 hours, or maybe 48 if sleep is really lacking for you both.
Talking about sex is always a positive. If this is uncomfortable for you both, you may want some outside help. It’s not unusual for people to have discomfort talking about sex.