Are you concerned about your marriage? Worried it might be over? You are not alone.
A lot of folks are questioning their marriages right now.
Congratulations! Noticing that there is a problem is the first step to resolving it one way or another.
That may not seem like something to celebrate, and at the same time when things seem bleak, you gotta celebrate the small wins in life. Here are nine signs that your marriage is failing.
Be fearless as you read these, if they feel like they fit, this is the place where you can explore how to grab victory out of the jaws of defeat.
It´s All I & Me In A Failing Marriage
When you first met, you were in love. There was no “Me” or “I”, it was all “us” and “we”.
In the beginning, you looked forward to every call, every text. People around you celebrated that you were “in love” that you had found someone.
Today, your conversations are all flavored with “me” and “mine”. All he seems to care about is “I” and not “you”.
While it is always important to maintain our own sense of self in any relationship, the relationship itself also is hungry for support. When it’s all “I”, “me” your marriage is starving.
Not Making Plans
Healthy marriages are based on a vision for the future, in making plans together. A sure-fire indicator of a sickly relationship is when conversations about the future, particularly the future together are at a minimum.
In their place are declarations of independent plans. “I’m doing this tomorrow…”. Sometimes there are not even these paltry declarations and you find yourself blindsided by your partners just not being there.
The Other Shoe
Are you walking on eggshells? Afraid of what’s going to come next? Are you both just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Does it feel like each silence is punctuated with fear of what’s going to come next? Is there a scent of danger in the air, even as you both are going through a “normal” day?
This is the definition of “waiting for the other shoe to drop”. You can go for days in this state, so much so that it becomes normal.
As a result of waiting for the other shoe, couples may find themselves avoiding conflict.
Not that there are no remarks occasionally tossed one way or the other, but no one is taking the bait. Not taking the bait on its own is a healthy response to aggression, however ignoring that there is a difference and even aggression is not.
The fact is that healthy couples create new futures out exploring differences. When a relationship has no expression of a difference it stagnates and dies.
Complaining All The Time
Is one or both of you complaining all the time?
This is a highly toxic state to live in.
When eyes are focused on the negative, that’s where the relationship will go. It’s like driving a car, wherever your eyes are is where the car will go on the highway. Especially when combined with avoiding conflict. In this state, complaints are lobbed back and forth endlessly with no resolution.
This promotes an ongoing state of quiet pain, and possibly resentment.
Quiet & Cold
Under these circumstances, there is no place to go but quiet and cold. Because there is avoidance of conflict, there is no place to take the hurt and the pain except inward.
On the outside, this shows up as cold, controlling, and silent. ON the inside, there is a small furnace of emotion constantly brewing.
It’s like a little nuclear reactor energizing the ability to remain silent under these conditions.
Sleeping separately can show up as separate beds, or it might feel like you are sleeping with a stranger in the same bed.
If you sleeping in separate beds, give yourself credit for at least being honest.
If you’re in the same bed with your backs turned to one another, barely speaking a word, wake up!
No Or Little Sex
No sex may be better than little sex. Under these conditions when you do have sex, it can feel mechanical and distant. Alternatively, it may be the passion of anger. More likely, however, you are both avoiding sex, you are both just too shut down to go there.
Your intuition has been screaming “something is not right here”! You have been hoping it will just clear up. Surely it’s a problem with your partner, they will wake up and apologize. In your heart, you know it won’t go that way, that though someone will take the lead, it is a two-way street. You and your partner built this road together step by step. One of you is going to need to decide if it is over and if it is over, is the relationship beyond hope?
Do I Need Help If I´m In A Failing Marriage?
Just because the marriage as you knew it is over does not mean it cannot be reborn. However, accepting that the relationship in its current state is dead is needed before you can make that call.
Many individuals make the mistake of trying to save the marriage as is. That’s a waste of time. They don’t want that and when you think about it neither do you.
Once you accept that your marriage is in deep trouble, your only choice is to build a new relationship founded on communication, caring, and empathy.
Whether that is together are apart is something you will discover in the process. If this together, you will have a far stronger marriage than you did.
If it’s apart, a divorce founded on caring communication, trust, and empathy will be better for you both and the kids than one grounded in the nine signs above.
Whether it’s just you, or both of you, someone needs to take the next step. We have helped countless couples find that next step through a complimentary discovery call.